Marvelous fellow All of him
by Purple Butter
Summary: Many members of the Normandy's crew have had brief encounters with a certain Time Lord...


Thane Krios was in his element. Up here in the rafters and the shadows of Omega he felt at home. He placed his eye to his trusty sniper rifle and saw his target through the scope.

_Turian. Male. 300 yards away. No need to compensate for wind._

"Excuse me?"

Thane stumbled out of his calm visage for a split second due to the sudden interruption. He turned around to see a male human with curly hair, rather large teeth and the most ridiculously long scarf Thane had ever seen.

"What to do require?" Thane asked, ready to strike the man down at the first sign of trouble. He didn't look dangerous, but a run-in with a particularly sadistic Hanar had taught Thane that looks could be very deceiving.

"I'm looking for a young human woman," said the man, "Brown hair. Yellow coat. About this high?" He placed his hand at his shoulder-level.

"Your mate?" questioned Thane.

"Oh, goodness no! Although she is an attractive young lady. Probably."

"I'm afraid I cannot help you."

"Oh, well. Thank you for your time good sir. Would you like a jelly baby?" the man shoved a small, paper bag under Thane's nose.

Thane slowly took one of the strange sweets and took a bite out of it. It was surprisingly delicious, "Very kind of you."

"Yes, they are rather good aren't they? A human delicacy, in fact!"

The man walked off around the corner but immediately walked back to his previous position.

"Are you planning to kill someone?" He said as he nodded at Thane's sniper rifle.

"Yes. It is my job."

"We I'm afraid I can't allow that." The man produced a small, tube-shaped device from his large coat. The device emitted a high-pitched whirling sound and the sniper rifle fell into several pieces.

"Goodbye, then!" the man said with a cheeky grin as he strutted off around the corner again.

From that day on, Thane had developed a taste for the human delicacy known as jelly babies.

0000000000

Liara T'Soni looked at the Ancient Egyptian mask on her desk in the large tent. Fascinating. So far this archaeological dig on Earth was a big success. She was learning a lot about ancient human cultures and Professor Song was very friendly.

Suddenly a sharply-dressed human man burst into the tent, followed by a young, blonde human girl.

"Perfect!" The man shouted as he spotted the computer on Liara's desk,

"I'm terribly sorry young lady but I need this." He said as he picked up the computer and began inspecting it, "Stop staring Jo."

Liara noticed that the female human was gawking at her. It was beginning to make Liara blush.

"But Doctor, she's blue!" said the girl.

"So? Just imagine what you look like to her, Jo! All pink and yellow!"

"All we have to do is reverse the polarity of the Silurian waking signal before the diggers reach their settlement. Come along Jo!" The Doctor said as dashed out of the tent, taking Liara's rather expensive computer with him.

"Sorry. He's always doing stuff like this." Jo said to Liara before she followed the Doctor.

Liara had a very difficult time explaining what had happened to her university-funded computer to her superiors.

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Kaiden Alenko downed another shot of krogan ale. He gestured at the turian bartender of the Dark Star lounge to pour another shot.

"Drowning your sorrows?" asked the turian.

"Nope," replied Kaiden as downed the second shot, "My nerves. I've just been transferred to the SSV Normandy. It's a little nerve-racking."

"Well, go easy on that stuff." The turian said as moved to serve an elcor.

Kaiden's pistol was suddenly snatched out of its holster. Kaiden quickly turned to see two human men. One had close-cropped hair, huge ears and was wearing a leather jacket. The other one was younger and very handsome.

"It's an offence to steal an Alliance officer's weapon!" Kaiden said.

"Oh, really?" said Huge Ears, "Well, I don't care. Now shut it."

Kaiden was thinking about using his biotics on them to teach them a lesson but his train of thought was interrupted by the other man walking up to him and shaking his hand.

"Captain Jack Harkness. And who are you?"

"Stop it." Huge Ears said as he began dismantling Kaiden's pistol with a blue light thing.

"I was just saying hello!" Jack protested.

"We don't have time for your flirting." Huge Ears said as he removed the mass effect generator from the pistol, "Self-sustaining power source. Fantastic! I should be able to construct a teleporter out of this. We'll save Rose from the Zygons in no time."

"Maybe some other time handsome." Jack said as he patted Kaiden on the shoulder and followed Huge Ears out of the bar.

It wasn't until Kaiden got back to his apartment, several hours later, that he realised Jack Harkness had stuck a sticky note to his shoulder with a phone number written on it.

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Tali stared in awe at the Citadel. She had just got off the shuttle and was taking the first few steps of her Pilgrimage. She tried not to stare at the various strange-looking aliens such as the asari, salarians and humans but found that she just couldn't resist gawking at their bizarre biology.

Someone bumped into her. Tali turned around to see a teenage human girl with dark hair.

"Do watch where you are going, Susan!" An elderly human said as he walked over.

"Sorry, grandfather." Said Susan, looking rather sheepish.

"Tell me dear," said the elderly man, "What year is it?"

Tali was rather taken aback by the strange question, "2183 by the human dating system."

"Ah, I'm afraid I may have made a slight miscalculation."

"Ian and Barbara won't be happy about this, will they?" Susan said.

"Hmmm, I'm afraid not my dear. Never mind. I suppose we can just try again, eh?"

The man and his granddaughter walked off into the crowd. Tali noticed that Susan had dropped a pencil when they bumped into each other. Tali picked it up and inspected it. Odd. Nobody uses pencils anymore.

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The geth known as Legion stood in the AI Core of the Normandy SR-2. It was currently performing a search on human science-fiction stories. It had complied a full list of scientific inaccuracies that it planned to bring to Shepard-Commander's attention at the next crew meeting.

A large blue box suddenly materialised in the AI Core. A human male with blond, curly hair and a multi-coloured coat stood out of the box's doors. He looked around the AI Core and scowled.

"Is this the Sixth Moon of Raxicofoe?" He whispered to the geth.

"No. This is the Normandy SR-2. Ship of Shep-"

"Oh, hush!" Shouted the man as he interrupted Legion.

"Is everything alright out there, Doctor?" Shouted a woman from inside the box, "We're not in the wrong place again are we?"

"No of course not, Peri!" the Doctor shouted in the general direction of the box, "Don't come out!" He said with a hint of embarrassment in his voice, "I'm afraid the Moon has been conquered by the Cybermen!"

"We do not know of the Cybermen." Legion stated in his robotic voice.

"Oh, shut up you horrid Cyberman!" The Doctor shouted (loudly enough so his companion would hear) as he ran back inside the box.

"Shouldn't we do something about the Cybermen?" Legion heard Peri say from inside the box.

"No of course not! This is a…..ah….a….fixed point in time! Yes, that's it!"

The box disappeared just as it had appeared.

Legion never mentioned the Doctor, Peri and the blue box to the rest of the crew. It wasn't relevant to the mission.

0000000000

Urdnot Wrex stared at the enormous Thresher Maw. This was it. The final stage of his rite of passage. If he could kill this thing he would go down in history as the mightiest warrior of Clan Urdnot.

Suddenly a small blue box came out of nowhere and smashed the Thresher Maw in the back of its head. The huge creature dropped dead with an almighty crash. Wrex stared at the strange box. It seemed to be out of control. It crashed on its side a few metres away from Wrex and the Thresher Maw corpse.

Wrex drew his shotgun and walked cautiously towards the box. If it could kill a Thresher Maw in one strike then it must be immensely powerful. The doors, which were now facing towards the sky, swung open. A pair of five-fingered hands appeared and a second later a strange creature poked its head out.

Wrex looked at the creature. It was pink with brown, curly hair atop its head.

"Terribly sorry about that." The creature nodded in the direction of the dead Thresher Maw, "That's the thing with Type 40 TARDISes, immensely powerful but a bit unstable. I'll just be on my way."

The creature ducked back into the box and a few seconds later it dissolved away with a strange, groaning sound.

Wrex shrugged his shoulders and began shooting the Thresher Maw's corpse. He had to made it look authentic after all.

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"You are under arrest by Citadel Security." Garrus Vakarian said as he pinned the human man up against the wall of Citadel Souvenirs and handcuffed him.

"What for?" Shouted the man as he turned around to face Garrus. Garrus noticed for the first time, how odd he looked, even for a human. His hair was all sticky-uppy and he wore a blue, pinstriped suit and a long, brown coat.

"For disturbing the peace, sir." Garrus said, trying his very best not to sound bored.

"I didn't mean to blow up that advertisement!"

"Oi!" Shouted a female voice.

Garrus turned to see a redheaded human woman; she was carrying a ridiculous amount of shopping bags. She marched over to Garrus, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Arresting a criminal, ma'am."

"Oh, no you're not!" The redhead shouted as she swung one of her shopping bags and clonked Garrus over the head.

"Well done!" The man shouted, "By the way, I completely disagree!"

The man (still handcuffed) and the redhead ran off into the crowd. Garrus ran after them but lost them. It was almost as if they had just disappeared into thin air.

Garrus' head hurt for an entire week.

0000000000

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was bored. Sentry duty on Eden Prime was always boring, but tonight it was especially boring because the rest of her squad were all at a party in the labs. Just her luck, to draw the short straw.

Ashley spotted two figures in the distance. One of them appeared to be shouting something at her. As the figures got closer she could see that one was a young girl and the other was a middle-aged man.

"Get down!" The man appeared to be shouting. "Get down!"

The figures reached her and the young girl tackled Ashley to the ground. Before Ashley could question what was going on, a large explosion pieced through the peaceful night.

"I think you may have used too much Nitro-9, Ace." Said the man as he pulled himself up off the ground. "Still, that should delay it for a while."

"You can never have too much Nitro-9, Professor." Said the young girl as she climbed off Ashley.

"So you keep telling me." The man said with a sigh.

"What the hell is going on?" Ashley said as she stood up and dusted off her armour.

"I'm afraid we had to blow up your colony's greenhouse."

"Why?"

"Because a deadly, slightly sentient plant was using it as a base of operations."

"Nothing too serious." Piped up Ace.

"Come along Ace, back to the TARDIS. The Brigadier has yet another problem he wants us to sort out."

As the odd pair walked away, Ashley reached for her pistol in order to arrest them for terrorist activities. However, she found that her gun had been stolen and replaced with a banana.

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Eight-year-old Miranda Lawson sat on the grass and took in the baking hot sun. It wasn't often that her father allowed her to have a break from her rigorous training so she was going to make the most of these ten minutes.

"Excuse me?"

Miranda opened her eyes to see a short, scruffy-looking man with a mop of dark hair. Standing next to him was a man wearing a kilt. She had no idea how these two strangers had got into her father's garden. How did they get past all of the armed guards and attack dogs?

"Are we in Scotland?" Asked the kilted man in a Scottish accent.

"You're in Australia." Miranda said with a hint of confusion.

"Australia?" The Scottish man said to the scruffy-looking gentleman.

"I'll explain later." Scruffy responded, "Yes, yes. I did think it was a tad warm for Scotland."

"You promised me Scotland in the future!"

"And you shall get it, Jamie! Be patient!"

"Patient? First we end up in Atlantis. Then we ended up on Mercury. And now some place that I've never even heard of!"

"Fine, fine, we shall try again!" Scruffy turned to Miranda, "You've been very helpful, young lady."

And with that the peculiar couple walked into the hedge maze and were never seen again. Her father always told her that sun stroke had made her hallucinate Scruffy and Jamie. But Miranda knew better.

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Cerberus Operative Jacob Taylor made his way through the busy market streets of Omega. He was on an important mission from the Illusive Man himself.

"Excuse me?"

Jacob stopped walking and turned around to look at the speaker. He was wearing cricket gear and, for reasons known only to him, he was wearing a stick of celery on his coat.

"I was wondering if you could help me?" the man continued in his rather proper British accent, "You see, I've arranged a little cricket match."

"Cricket?" Jacob said.

"Yes. Team TARDIS versus Team T'Loak! But I'm afraid my team has a man down. Adric; can't rely on him for anything! I was wondering perhaps if you could fill in for him?"

"Sorry, but cricket's not really my thing. More of a football man myself."

"Football? Barbaric sport. Can't stand it! But thank you for your time." The man made his way through the crowd and began talking to a turian several metres away.

After his mission was complete, Jacob ordered a bowl of celery soup from a human restaurant. Talking to cricket man had make him hungry.

0000000000

Professor Mordin Solus sat down on the bench in the Citadel's park. He finally had some time off and he was going to relax. By surfing the extranet on his laptop for all of the latest scientific theories.

Mordin's peace was ruined when a young human wearing a tweed jacket and a bowtie fell out of the nearest tree. The human sprang to his feet with youthful vigour and noticed Mordin's computer.

"Laptop! Gimmie!" He said as he snatched it out of Mordin's hands.

"We're really sorry about this." Said a human woman with bright orange hair as she rushed up to them, "Aren't we Doctor?"

"Not particularly." Said the Doctor as he sniffed and licked the laptop.

"What's going on? Confused." Said Mordin.

"Her fiancée is stuck in a time eddy and a cosmic horror from the dawn of time is trying to devour his mind," said the Doctor as he continued to inspect the laptop, "Any questions?"

"Time eddy? Rip in fabric of space-time?" Asked Mordin.

"Yes. You're clever aren't you?"

"Yes. Scientist. Of genetics. But slight interest in quantum physics too."

"Scientist, eh? Well, me too."

"What of?"

"Everything. Ah, yes!"

"What is it, Doctor?" Asked the orange human.

"I can use the Wi-Fi in this laptop, combined with the massive mass effect field of the Citadel to transport us inside the time eddy with Rory!"

"And how are we going to get out?"

He paused for a few seconds. "One thing at a time, Pond."

The Doctor scanned Mordin's laptop with a tube-like device; he then scanned the air in a swishing motion. With that, the Doctor and Pond disappeared in a flash of blue and red light.

Mordin wrote entire books on the scientific explanation for how the mysterious pair had just disappeared like that. He never published any of them of course.

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Master thief Kasumi Goto ran through the dark corridors as silently as a cat stalking its prey. Keiji had disabled all of the security cameras and administered knock-out drops to all of the guards so it was clear sailing. She could hardly believe she was breaking into Area 51; the most secure facility in human history.

She slapped some omni-gel on Vault 501's huge metal door and waited for the hacking process to complete. This was it.

The door slid open with a large groan. Kasumi quickly checked if any of the guards had heard that and woken up. The coast seemed to be clear. She was going in.

Vault 501 was vast, but empty. Apart from a small pedestal, the milometer from the Roswell spaceship (which turned out to have been a Salarian tour bus) and a tall man wearing a brown pinstripe suit and a long coat.

Wait. What?

Kasumi drew her pistol on the mysterious man, "Who are you? A bit sharply dressed to be a security guard, don't you think?"

"I'm the Doctor," said the mysterious stranger, "And I'm afraid I need this." He held up the small milometer while he grinned at Kasumi.

"Why?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me." Kasumi said as she continued to level her pistol at the Doctor's chest.

"I need it to create a temporal feedback link which will cause an Uvodni battle cruiser to collapse in on itself."

"What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Told you you wouldn't understand. So what are you? A thief? A cat burglar? I once met someone like you. She kissed me! Now if you'll excuse me!"

The Doctor dashed into a small side room of the vault. Kasumi fired four shots from her pistol but they all missed. This guy could really run. There was a strange, groaning noise and when Kasumi looked in the room; it was like the Doctor had disappeared into thin air.

Kasumi had great difficulty explaining what exactly had happened to Keiji.

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Zaeed Massani looked out the window of the ship. For a rank bunch of amateurs, the mercenary group known as the Bad Wolves had certainly amassed an impressive army. There must have been at least fifty other frigates out there.

Zaeed had only joined up with these idiots because the pay was good. Apparently, they were going to an uninhabited planet to collect a source of unimaginable power – something that the bosses called a Dalek. He had no idea what a "Dalek" was but it sounded like a whole lot of fuss over nothing to Zaeed.

"We are now entering the planet's atmosphere." Came the pilot's voice over the intercom as the fleet began the bumpy descent.

"What the? There's someone down there!" The pilot said again.

Zaeed looked out the window again and sure enough, there was a man down there staring up at all the ships.

"Just shoot him!" Zaeed shouted in the direction of the cockpit.

"I can't!" Said the pilot, "None of the ship's weapons are working. I'm getting records from all the other ships; they've got the same problem!"

"Yes, sorry about that!"

Zaeed looked out the window again and saw that the man was talking into what looked like a high-tech megaphone.

"Like I said, sorry about that." He continued, "I've covered this entire planet in an energy field that increases the size of the metal shards in your weapons. Therefore rendering them useless!"

Zaeed tried firing his assault rifle; it didn't work. All of the other mercenaries were doing the same; none of the weapons worked.

"Now shut up and listen to me," the man continued, "I'm the Doctor. The Oncoming Storm. The Last Child of Gallifrey. I've taken on gods and demons so if you really think that you lot have a chance, then I pity you. As long as my hearts are still beating you won't get your grubby little hands on that Dalek, not today, not ever. But I will give you one chance. Give me some fish fingers and custard and then run away with your tails between your legs and I'll forgive and forget. So what do you say, eh?"

The reply from the Bad Wolves leader came almost instantly, "Screw you! Come on boys let's kill this cocky bosh'tet!"

The mercs began to cheer. For once, Zaeed agreed with them, there was no way a single, unarmed man could defeat an entire army by himself.

Zaeed was the only one who made it out alive.

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Grunt was standing guard outside the Omega apartment whilst Commander Shepard and Samara searched for clues inside. Grunt didn't see what was so scary about an Ardat-Yakshi; he could probably kill one with his bare hands. He'd probably enjoy it too. Grunt quickly added "kill an Ardat-Yakshi with my bare hands" on the to-do list on his omni-tool.

Suddenly, what could only be described as a midget with a dome-shaped head burst out of the floor grating. It was wearing baggy trousers, a colourful shirt, huge shoes, a fake red nose and a green wig.

The bizarre creature sprinted past Grunt without even glancing at him and turned the corner. Grunt heard both a mixture of screams and laughs from the Omega marketplace.

A human man burst out of the floor grating. He had short hair, big ears and he was wearing a leather jacket.

"Have you seen a Sontaran dressed as a clown?" The human asked Grunt.

"I think so," Grunt said, "He went that way." The krogan pointed in the direction of the marketplace.

"Fantastic!" The human climbed out of the floor grating and sprinted off around the corner.

Grunt added "kill a Sontaran" to his to-do list.

0000000000

Jack walked down the sunny, suburban street. She was in a quaint little American town on Earth. Her target was just a few houses away. Her latest target was a police officer who was responsible for one of her stays in prison. She'd made him pay.

Suddenly, there was a flash of purple light and the section of fence just in front of her was blown into thousands of splinters. Jack stopped in her tracks. What the hell was this? She looked on the other side of where the fence had once been and discovered a soaking wet man lying down on the grass.

"Who the hell are you?" Jack asked, readying her biotics just in case this was some sort of trap.

The man stood up. He had brown, curly hair and he was rather handsome. He was wearing something that looked like what a Victorian gentleman would have worn. The vast amount of water he was drenched in seemed to have made the colours run in his clothes.

"Terribly sorry," he said, "I was just on Tuchunka you see. Had a bit of a crash landing so I set the TARDIS' coordinates to random, just to test her. Anyway, I ended up on the Planet of the Rain Gods. The natives tried sacrificing me so I built a makeshift teleporter. A fairly boring day really. Tell me, where am I?"

"Earth." Jack said, unsure if this man was even more insane than her.

"Earth? Ah, one of my favourite planets! Well, thank you my dear!" The strange man walked off down the street.

Jack was almost at her latest victim's house when a small army of police officers arrived and arrested her. The drenched man had unwittingly delayed her for too long.

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Samara opened her eyes. She appeared to be tied to a tree trunk in a forest clearing. The Doctor was standing several feet away from her. Despite the two of them playing cat and mouse with each other in the forest for three weeks, the Doctor was still as sharply dressed as ever. Although his curly blonde hair had a few twigs and leaves in it.

"Well Samara my dear, it has been a pleasure. But I'm afraid I must leave now. The Brigadier and Miss Grant shall probably be wondering where I got to. Although I do have a time machine so I suppose I could take as long as I want in returning to Earth."

"You broke the Justicar Code." Samara said as she attempted to get free of her bonds, "You killed an innocent."

"My dear, that was the Master using a perception filter to disguise himself as me. I did not kill that asari. I told you this before but you're just too stubborn to listen aren't you? A human spacecraft shall arrive in two days. I'm sure they will help you with your predicament." He gestured at the ropes and began walking away.

"How do you know that?" Samara shouted after him.

"Time travel." He shouted without looking back at her.

On that day, Samara gained both a lot of contempt and a lot of respect for the stranger known as the Doctor.

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**Updated to fix spelling and grammar mistakes. I just typed this out for fun a few months ago. I reread it recently and discovered how many embarrassing spelling and grammar mistakes there were! ** **Oh, and sorry about there being no line breaks. It seems that FF has changed something and I can't for the life of me figure out how to insert line breaks. **


End file.
